I often wish Jesus were hear to talk with. I realized for the first time today it is fitting for Him to be in Heaven.

As I am reading through a whole gospel for the first time (Matthew) it is being revealed to me that Jesus' work has personal implications for me. His life and obedience to the cross is a historical reality.

I am tackled by the intensity of what happened to him. They spit in his face when He told the truth (Matt 26:63,64,67) Coming to a deeper understanding of what He went through to rescue me from hell I now want Jesus to be in no other place than at the right hand of God enthroned in Heaven with all glory (Matt. 26:52-54, 27:45,46)

It is not an attitude of "you are too good to be around me" but rather an attitude that says "you are worthy to be in heaven receiving praise and glory. And in light of what you did I trust you when you say you will always be with me in spirit." (Matt 28:20)

Are we approaching God because we don't want to sin anymore or because our sin is the reason Jesus was murdered so that we could approach God?

The heart behind the first reason is not a response to the Lord's violent grace. It is to say "I want something (man's approval, self-righteousness, outer purity, a better life ect) and Jesus is the means to that end. Therefore I want Jesus." The other option is to say, "I have sent you to the cross. Jesus you have done a great work to save me from the path I was on. You rescued me before I knew you. I did nothing to warrant your grace. I accept what you have done."

We must understand God chose us BEFORE we chose him. Therefore all our repentance should be in response to Jesus' saving person and work.

Here is my question Lord, " I live on earth, which is yours. You live in heaven--I know you live somewhere b/c you are alive and say you have a kingdom and went there.

How is prayer our medium of communication? How does it work? Do I close my eyes or look to the sky? Do I look to and listen to what you might say w/in me?

I am having a difficult time in connecting w/ you because it seems to me I am talking--whether loud or quite--to the space of my home, not to your ear. It does not seem as if I am communicating with heaven. I say this b/c by human definition communication usually involves both parties interacting. Are you interacting? If you are, is it my fault that I don't hear you? Is it unrepentant/habitual sin that is hindering the "feeling" of you? Doesn't Christ take that away from your sight so that we can talk?

Maybe I should read Calvin's book on prayer."

I tend to suround myself with people who acentuate and personify specific character traits I wish I had but don't or traits I do have but do not define me. I choose people to be close friends if they draw out specific pieces of my personality. Here are some examples:

John is a thinker. When I need to think deeply I position myself close to him so that I can feed off his personality.

Chase is irresponsible and creative. When I am feeling arty I call chase to acentuate that side of me.

Matt is crude, messy and honest. When I am feeling outlandish I go to Matt's house.

Sean is introspective and smokes. When I want to think about shapes of clouds and the universe we have a bonfire.

AJ is rebellious and deeply accepting. When I want to act out I need to stay away from AJ.

Dan has a deep heart for the Kingdom Cause. When I'm pressed to work for the Cause I call Dan.

Is this wrong? Do you do this?

All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth so that I can sink them into books!

If I never receive any other gift but books I would be content.

Biographies of men such as John Patton, Charles Spurgeon, Jonathan Edwards, Hudson Taylor, John Elliot and other missionaries are saturated with the Gospel. (Eph 2:8-10). There have been so many martyrs, missionaries and pastors who have taken up the great commission, taking Jesus to the nations, naming Him where He has not been named (Matt. 28:18-20,Mark 16:15, Luke 24:47) They have "done missions when dying is gain." (Listen to John Piper's talk for more on this).

I had to break this post in two due to the fact it is being sent from my phone as I sit in my dark room, at an hour too early to be awake and be called sane.

My next friend of recognition is Nate. Nate is a fervent and inspired intercessor (that basically means prayer giant). What elevates Nate to such a place of influence is that he is consistently vocal about when and why he is praying for me. His text messages and calls that tell me he is praying for me hit me like a wave. Before tonight I sometimes take for granted the impact of his intercession. But again, by God's grace through the Spirit I see the need of this arm of the church. Nate you are a giant for me on this night. Thank you for consistently telling me when you are prayer for me. It is a source of great affirmation. Your prayers are timely and Spirit led. Praise God for the church.

On a very difficult and sleepless night I am made aware of God's beautiful church. I notice two friends tonight in particular who are wonderfully used as an extension of Christ's love in my life.

I was almost blinded to the manifestation of God's affirmation and comfort through his church. But, by the painful grace of God through his Ghost I see so clearly, and with so much affection, the power of the church--that is, the power of spirit filled believers.

It is currently 4:51 am EST and I have been awake now for some time. The reason for this I will dismiss, for the purpose of this post is not to vent but rather to praise God for his work through saints.

LJ is a giant for me in the relentless thought he gives to my spiritual growth. The consistency of affirmation he gives is beyond what I have seen as normal. No other friend is so ferocious on my behalf. Thank you Lord for your church.